He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
