how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Randomize
