I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
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