i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So vagazzling was a success
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
