Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
Randomize
