you dont know how to answer ppls txts anymore?!?
im sorry, i don't get text messages.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
It's a sit down to pee kind of hangover
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
haha all our friends are at the carnival and I'm on stage dry humping a 40 year old
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