Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Quick question—how good are you at digging holes? I mean, besides the one you've dug for yourself. asking for a friend
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
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