You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
Not till Sunday. I'm going to sleep in my car. And I know. This place is insane. Blood on the stAirs 5 dollar slices of pizza. A girl on our floor had a stroke.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
