I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Randomize
