dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
You made out with two different species that night
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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