Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
She makes margaritas with lemon-lime 5 hour energy..thats brilliant
and you were wondering how she got into Harvard
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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