i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
