He disabled his match.com account in front of me
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
The only word that describes how much hair I shaved off of my ass is "considerable".
Btw. I have a sinus infection from doing cocaine in a portapotty at a Duran Duran concert. So, gimme a couple of days before y'all start the party.
Randomize