Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize
