so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize