I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
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