She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
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