he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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