I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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