you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
We are all done wearing pants today
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
one of my students asked me today if i was having a baby. fuckin 4 year olds and their lack of filter. time to get back to the gym i guess
Randomize
