all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
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