My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
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