Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Randomize
