Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
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