when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
