bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I think I used my NERF gun during sexual roleplay. Need to re-evaluate my life choices.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
