I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
any chance you can send me your legal ethics outline, in exchange for say, me buying you a lapdance the next time we go to the strip club?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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