Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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