Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
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