then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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