I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
You are the jesus of drinking
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Randomize
