Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
I told my boyfriend my favorite food was strawberry poptarts, now my email inbox is getting spammed with nude pics of him with his dick in a poptart box..
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Randomize
