I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
