She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
