were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
Randomize
