i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
should my penis look like a turkey
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Randomize
