Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
I will pee on everything he values.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
Randomize
