I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
I'm so annoyed. We're about to buy groceries for the week and at this point I'm hoping to sustain myself on pure alcohol.
Randomize
