I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
This is the high leading the old right now
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
