you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
