after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
