you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Uh oh I Hage to dance yes, my feet are Whitney Houston
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
