he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
