I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Randomize
