Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
My goal this weekend is to get a number that goes with the penis I take him.
Aspirations
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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