You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
Randomize
