How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
