I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize