dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
