I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
Randomize
