Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You have the most beautiful penis I've ever seen. I never thought penises were meant to be beautiful, but you proved me wrong
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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