and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
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