im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
Randomize
