We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
