I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Randomize
