first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Hella random but just hear me out...A bar that is a petting zoo. Bitches love petting zoos.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
