I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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